Destiny and Determinism

Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with determinism, unless you define determinism as God's sovereignty in our lives. In which case, it's totally about determinism. Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky - All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." 1 Corinthians 7:17

I chose this scripture just because it felt appropriate and I didn't know how to start this post, but as I wrote the reference down I noticed it's 7:17, and 7/17 is my birthday. I love that God just left me that little note...

Anyway, the reason I chose this is actually because lately I've been wrestling with my calling. I really have no idea what it is that God wants me to do or where he wants me to go and it seems that the question has been popping up a lot lately.

First it was with a boy. A wonderful boy who I admire very much is moving overseas to an unreached people group. As a girl my mind naturally wonders if we would have time to date and get married before we move overseas together for two years sharing the gospel with unreached people before coming back to Austin to raise kids where he would have a stable job with an awesome 401K and I could do my film thing promoting social justice to bring an end to human trafficking and our kids would grow up into successful Longhorns who would support us in our retirement by not putting us in a nursing home and giving us lots of cute grand babies. Like I said, normal girl thoughts. But I found out that this boy isn't going for two years; he's going indefinitely.

My immediate thought is that either he's mistaken about his calling or else (gulp) I'm called to go overseas indefinitely. Now I know I'm being silly and I'm not expecting anything to actually happen with this boy, but it was a great wake up call from God to actually start praying about what my calling is.

I've said for over a year now that I feel called to the nations and to use film as some sort of ministry, but the thought of moving to another country for the rest of my life honestly NEVER crossed my mind. I've been "telling" God that I'll go wherever he wants me for as long as he wants me, but I realized that this was a lie because in reality I don't want to go just anywhere and I don't want to go forever and I don't want to leave my family. I've been lying to the creator of the universe without even realizing I was doing it.

So now I'm praying for a change of heart, that God would help me so that I can honestly say to him that I would go anywhere he calls me to for however long he wants me there. I know I still feel called to the nations in some capacity, so I want to make sure my heart is ready when I find out what that looks like. Or maybe I'll pull a Jonah and run away and he'll stick me in a whale and take me to someplace like Turkey (which would actually be a way cooler story).

For now I'm here in Austin though, and I'm certain that for the time being this is where God wants me. I'm starting an awesome job in a couple weeks where I'll be working for an amazing director, other jobs are already lining up, my community group is growing, discipling my girls has been a huge blessing, I'm living out of my car, learning to not consume myself with material possessions (I feel like my car is going to get stolen as I type this), and I feel like my adult life is actually beginning now. What was originally suffering is finally turning into something beautiful.

Ok. I really need to go check my car.