Sleepless [I wish I was] in Seattle
Soundtrack: Sleeping at Last - Keep No Score I think I'm officially a "writer". I say this because I have about five different drafts of blog posts that I've started and not finished. And from what I hear I feel like this is the "writer" thing to do. So here's hoping I actually complete this post.
Last night I couldn't sleep (Afterthought: just realized my music is Sleeping at Last, oh the irony!). This rarely happens to me and is usually a result of anxiety or excitement for something I'm expecting the next day. And then sometimes, such as last night, I have no reason for not being able to sleep except for the insanely awesome amount of sleep I got the previous night that likes to come back and haunt me by keeping me awake. Either way, I usually take my inability to sleep as God telling me to pray for something.
As I lay on my discipler's couch, which is about three inches too short and forces me to curl my toes in order to actually fit, my mind wandered to a friend who I love dearly but haven't spoken to much in the last month. Things have changed to where we just don't get to see each other often anymore and my heart was aching to see this friend and hear about his life. But guy/girl friendships are like walking a tightrope sometimes, and I was feeling very convicted about the boundaries I should have with this guy and other guy friends.
So I began praying for my friendship and clarity on the situation, which reminded me of a couple other people I hadn't been praying for that I needed to. Prayer for one person led to another and to another, before I finally realized that there were several damaged relationships/issues that I've been burying and forgetting, acting like I was fine, rather than bringing them into the light, praying over them and in some cases truly forgiving people.
Normally I consider myself a forgiving person, but over the last few months God's shown me that I'm not forgiving as much as I am simply passive aggressive. I bury issues in the hopes of not dealing with them. I hate the thought of confrontation so instead of working things out in a way that glorifies God, I put on a smiling face and tell people that I'm ok with things that I'm truly not. And last night that truth was overwhelming me.
The prayers continued and the list built up to about eight major issues, all current, some with people I needed to forgive and some with people I simply needed to work out some things with, that I hadn't been praying about or dealing with at all. I've been going on thinking that my life is fine and nothing is wrong, when I've really been ignoring the big issues and allowing Satan to harden my heart with bitterness and fear.
My immediate thought after this revelation was that I need to fix the issues that I can, call up some people and set things straight. And while this can be the Christ-like way to handle a situation, my heart was more in a position of legalism ("I need to fix things because it's the 'Christian' thing to do") and wanting control of the problems, believing that I can fix them with my actions and words instead of allowing God to fix them. In a sense I was trying to be my own god, solving my problems myself and essentially earning my salvation by doing everything right. But as I was planning the conversations I needed to have with different people, God showed me my heart and that he has control of everything and I need to just let go. Which then led to a lot of repentance and just general crying out to Jesus because I suck at life and need him to do life for me.
As you can imagine, this is a lot to take in at 3 in the morning.
But God is good and he's teaching me so much right now. In my unemployment and homelessness and boy drama and girl drama and everything else drama, he is sanctifying me. And I think it's funny how the more wrecked our lives become the more we begin to grow, and the more we grow the more we realize how wrecked our lives are and how desperately we need him.
Here's to many more sleepless nights ahead...