About a Boy
Soundtrack: Andrew Bird - Noble Beast Friends, I've sorely underestimated the therapeutic power of writing. I miss it like I miss coffee on days when I'm running under 9 hours of sleep (everyday). I miss it like I miss having parents that financially support me (also, everyday). Needless to say I'm ecstatic to pick up the pen (keyboard?) and process through some things with you (it's slightly long so I tried to make it colorful for all you ADD folks).
In the last few weeks, God's taught me 1.) not to limit his plans, 2.) how to eat my words. Note what I wrote in "Destiny and Determinism" on January 31, 2011:
"My immediate thought is that either he’s mistaken about his calling or else (gulp) I’m called to go overseas indefinitely. Now I know I’m being silly and I’m not expecting anything to actually happen with this boy..."
Silly Emilee. Silly, naive Emilee. I'm now dating this boy and it's been about four weeks that we've "been together" (I guess that's what it's called?). Four long, sanctifying weeks. Let's just say being in a relationship has shown me a lot more about myself than I would care to know, i.e. just how sinful I actually am. And people, it's pretty gross.
Probably everyday since we began dating I have had the thought, "Really? Are you sure? Why would you want to be with me? In case you haven't noticed, I'm awkward and very, very flawed." I constantly struggle to see myself the way that Christ sees me. I don't believe the gospel when it says that I'm a new creation in Christ, that I've been redeemed and made beautiful in his sight. I choose the lies of Satan over the truth of the Gospel. I see myself as sinful, screwed up and not worthy of a boy's affections. It's like I lost my self-esteem in a black hole à la Stephen Hawking and have to fight daily to keep from being sucked into Satan's lies.
So I'm learning to preach the gospel to myself. Because really it's the only thing you can do in these emotional what's-wrong-with-me?!?!? moments. And this is the truth I'm learning from scripture/I should seriously consider get tattooed across my forehead so I'll stop forgetting:
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1
If the Son of God accepts me as I am without condemnation, why do I constantly condemn myself? Why do I continue to seek the approval of others in order to feel validated? Scripture says I've been set free from the laws of sin and death. How much more satisfying would my life on earth be if I could learn to live like this is actually true? If only I could live as though no one's opinions of me mattered, like anything I've ever done wrong has been eradicated, and that I've really, truly been set free. I can't imagine a life more joyful.
Scripture speaks endlessly of our freedom, value and identity in Christ:
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him" - Colossians 1:21-22
Holy AND blameless?! Crazy talk.
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:10
"Workmanship" in the original Greek translates as "poem". We are his poem, his masterpiece. We, the masterpiece of the ultimate creator, make the Mona Lisa look like a five year old's doodles.
And let's not forget Jesus' reaction to the woman caught by the Pharisees committing adultery.
"Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.'" - John 8:10-11
If the perfect Son of God doesn't condemn us, who can? (Hint: No one.)
Yes, I'm sinful and screwed up, but scripture is clear that I don't have to live that way anymore. I've been made holy and blameless, a new creation in Christ. And though I may struggle to believe I deserve a boy's affections, scripture affirms that I'm worth it because the ultimate, perfect man already loves me with a perfect, unconditional love and in him alone there is no condemnation. Hallelujah! What a Saviour!